


My Way Home Is Through You

by CharredLips



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Domestic Violence, Explicit Language, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, M/M, Minor Violence, Mutual Pining, The DV is not in the ship, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:48:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26592439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharredLips/pseuds/CharredLips
Summary: Gerard has been acting strange lately.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Gerard Way/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

Frank totally wasn't freaking out. Just because it was 8:37am, and he was meeting Gerard at a diner at 9, and he didn't know what to wear yet, and he was fretting over what to say, that doesn't mean he was freaking out. And if he was freaking out, that is perfectly normal. Gerard has been acting strange the past couple months. He has become more distant and seems to be nervous all the time. So, of course, if Frank started to worry a bit, that's only natural. It's just because Gerard is his best friend. It has nothing to do with the fact that Frank is madly in love with him. At least, that is what he tells himself, repeatedly, as he tries (and fails) to calm himself down in the mirror.

He should be excited to see Gerard, it's been way too long since they have hung out together. And he is excited, but that's the problem. It has been too long. He had to practically beg Gerard to meet him today. In all the years he's known Gerard, he's almost never had to ask twice, especially not when coffee is involved. He knows he made it weird between them. Gerard must have noticed Frank's crush. It would be hard for him not to, the way that Frank can't help but stare at his beautiful face and the way that he blushes whenever Gerard gets a little bit closer than strictly necessary. But he's only human, after all, and Gerard's presence is overwhelming.

So now, Frank has to sit in a diner and try not to let Gerard see him stare a little too long and smile a little too wide and think a little too hard. He has to hope that Gerard hasn't figured him out, and worry that he has, and not give him more signs that make it unavoidably clear. He can already feel the rejection. He fears they won't be able to get past it, and Gerard will never feel comfortable with him again. He kind of hates himself for risking what they had. And, now, he hates himself for wasting so much time NOT freaking out, because he's running down the street in the first outfit he could grab, because he doesn't want to be late and make things even worse.

He arrives at the diner at 9:02am, though his breathing doesn't return to a normal pace until 5 minutes after that, and his heart rate doesn't slow down at all, he's far too anxious for that. Gerard still isn't there, and Frank only gets more nervous. He thinks Gerard will stand him up, that he doesn't even want to see Frank, that-- His train of worry is derailed, for the moment, at least, as Gerard comes rushing in. He looks a bit rough (but still gorgeous in Frank's eyes, as he always does). He's the poster child for _morning from hell_.

"I am so sorry, Frankie. I lost track of the time and then the traffic, and, and..." --"Gerard, relax, it's okay. I just got here myself. It's not like you stood me up." Frank assures him. Gerard seemed to relax, but only slightly. He sits in the booth across from Frank. Frank notices immediately that he still seemed nervous and closed off. He didn't even take his sunglasses off. 'He can't even stand to look me in the eye anymore', Frank thinks 'Why did I have to be so obvious? Now he'll never be comfortable with me again.'

They decide to order. Coffee for each, of course. Gerard's black, like always, and Frank's with too much cream and sugar. Gerard always teases him about _ruining good coffee with all that nonsense_. Well, he used to tease him about it, that is; he hasn't mentioned it in awhile. Frank, even in ridicule, loves to see Gerard that passionate about seemingly mundane things. He misses it. He decides to mention it, since he's still trying to figure out if Gerard knows about his crush. "Aren't you going to tell me I am a 'disgrace to coffee lovers everywhere' or something like that?", Frank asks. "What?" Gerard looks confused, so Frank continues "You always tease me for ruining my coffee this way, did you finally realize that I am always right and that includes how I take my coffee?" Frank asks. He may be a nervous mess, but he certainly won't stop acting cocky, that would be a dead giveaway that something's not right.

Gerard still looks confused for a moment, then he looks almost sad. "I'm sorry, Frankie. I never meant to make you feel bad. I should never have told you how to drink your coffee. That's not my place." He sounds so sincere. Now Frank is the one who is confused. Gerard has never apologized for being opinionated, and, while Frank acts cocky, he knows that when Gerard has a strong opinion, he is almost always right. Frank doesn't know why he'd be apologizing now. He doesn't know why, but he knows he doesn't like it.

Gerard keeps looking around, like he's nervous, or even afraid. It's really unnerving. He's always been a little shy, and he'll sometimes keep his head down and posture droopy, like he is trying to be smaller, to be invisible. But this is new. Another recent behavior change that builds on Frank's fear that he is losing Gerard. 'Can he really be that scared to be alone with me? He has to know I would never pressure him or expect him to act differently with me just because of how I feel', Frank thinks. Any other time, it might seem like nothing, but paired with the other abrupt changes in behavior, Frank knows there is something wrong.

After their coffee arrives, Frank suggests they order something to eat, too. Mostly because he is still trying to settle his racing thoughts down and make conversation. Man, it feels weird having to break the ice with someone you've known for over half your life. "We should get cake", frank says. "I don't really feel like eating." Gerard says. "The double chocolate cake is your favorite, though. There's always room for cake", Frank insists cheekily. Gerard doubles down, "I'm not hungry." Frank isn't actually hungry either. Right when he was about to concede, Gerard's stomach growled, quite loudly. Frank wants to point this out, but he figures that might be rude, and while he normally lives for being rude, he doesn't want to push his luck while he still doesn't know if Gerard is upset with him or freaked out by his crush. Instead he just says, "Well I am going to get cake, but I won't be able to eat the whole piece, so you have to share it with me." Gerard agrees, with an expression that looks like he just agreed to eat dog food.

When the cake comes and Gerard takes a bite, the expression changes drastically and instantly. He almost moans at the taste. Frank thinks that's the cutest thing he's ever seen, and wonders how someone can be so adorable and so sexy at the same time. All he knows is that he wants to see that look of pure pleasure on Gerard's face all the time, But for now, he'll settle for just until the cake is gone. He tries not to make it obvious, but he stopped eating his half of the piece, wanting Gerard to have it all. Seeing Gerard enjoy it is sweeter than any cake could ever be.

As they keep talking, Gerard seems to be having a great time. His face still blisses out every time he takes a bite of cake, Now they are discussing Star Wars and Gerard is telling Frank about how sexist is was for Leia to be enslaved and dressed in the gold bikini, like Frank doesn't already agree and hasn't heard a variation of this speech a dozen times already. Still, Frank thinks there is no better sound in the world. He just watches in awe and thanks whatever cosmic force allows him to be here with Gerard like this. It's almost enough to make him believe in God. But after 8 years of Catholic school and all the hypocrisy he endured in that time, it's going to take more than that. Maybe he'll believe in God if Gerard ever becomes his for real.

As the conversation (one sided soliloquy) continues, Gerard is waving his hands around passionately, completely ignoring the cake covered fork in his hand. So when a piece of cake flies off and lands on Franks shirt, he is surprised. Well, surprised isn't the word, he looks terrified, actually. "Frankie! I am so sorry. I didn't mean---I...I.. I am s-so sorry. Let me get a wet cloth. I'll-- I'll buy you a new shirt- I..." Frank tried to cut in after the first 'I'm sorry', but Gerard was so panicked he didn't notice. "Gerard!" Frank raises his voice slightly, to get his attention, but his tone is filled only with love. Gerard freezes immediately. He looks on the verge of tears now, and Frank almost loses his train of thought by how much it pains him to see Gerard look so sad.

Frank just wants to get rid of that look immediately. "Gee, sweetie, it's okay. It's just cake. This shirt has seen MUCH worse, and that's just since the last time it's been in the wash, whenever that was." Gerard doesn't look convinced, so Frank continues. "Seriously, Gee" Frank says, picking the cake from his shirt with his fingers, and eating it, "it's totally fine. In fact, it's delicious. So calm down, please, honey." _Shit_. Frank is now reconsidering the pet names. They have always talked to each other that way, but that was before his stupid crush broke Gerard. Gerard doesn't seem to mind, or he didn't notice. He was still so on edge about the cake mishap. "I'm sorry", Gerard says again. Frank can't tell if he's still apologizing for the cake or for not being calm, but he doesn't like either, and he doesn't know what to say that won't make him just apologize again.

Frank decides to just change the subject, and hope that Gerard loosens up again when he gets back on an another impassioned deliverance. It works; Gerard quickly starts explaining all the ways that Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol differs from Arnold Drake's version, but how they were so different that you can't even properly compare the two. Frank was relived, Gerard seemed to be back to normal, for the most part. He was commanding in his monologue, smiling at Frank throughout, the radiant way he always has. He looked like he was enjoying himself. Frank was content. More than content, actually, he was happy. He was always happy with Gerard, even when he was a nervous wreck.

Frank had almost put his fears of Gerard pulling away from their friendship out of his mind. He nearly forgot about the fact that Gerard still hadn't taken his sunglasses off and still kept looking around, over his shoulder, like he was afraid. It wasn't as often as when he arrived. What started as every few seconds had turned to every few minutes and then to several minutes. He was letting his guard down, slowly but surely. But he still kept doing it, and it was impossible for Frank not to notice. He wanted to just ask him why. Wanted to (gently) grab that perfect face and make him look Frank in the eye and just ask him why he is afraid to relax. But then it happened. Gerard froze mid sentence, his face dropped immediately. He looked terrified.

Before Frank could even ask him what was wrong Gerard spoke again. His voice was shaky, and the words came out so quickly that Frank barely had time to hear them, let alone process them. "Frank. I need you to do me a huge favor, no questions asked. I mean it." Before Frank could agree, he continued. "I need you to play along with whatever I say, and then you need to leave and act like we don't know each other. Sit at another table or leave all together, but you will have to leave me here and ignore me. Promise." Gerard said as somberly as he could manage while using every ounce of strength he had to fight off a panic attack.

Before Frank could ask why, there was a man approaching him and Gerard with intent. Nothing about him looked pleasant. Gerard jumped up to greet him. "Hey, baby. What are you doing here? What a nice surprise. I thought you were spending the day with your friends." Gerard said shakily, but with an air of feigned nonchalance. "Didn't think I'd catch you whoring around, is that it? As if your fuck up this morning wasn't enough! Who is this? Have you been stepping out on me the whole time or did you just decide to pick up the first guy that walked past? Neither would surprise me" the man replied, venom dripping from every word. Frank was already boiling, but Gerard was quick to answer. "Of course not, what are you talking about, baby? Him? This is Jamia's boyfriend, you know, Jamia, my client? I've told you about her, I did the badass undercut for her last time. He was just asking me if I could squeeze her in for an appointment tomorrow, since she had an incident with trying to color her own hair."

Gerard shot Frank a subtle but pointed look that told him it was time for him to leave. "Yeah, man. I didn't mean any harm, just trying to keep my girl happy. You know how it is. But I should get back to my own table. Sorry to bother you during your coffee break, Gerard. And thanks for agreeing to see J, she was pretty panicked." Frank turned to the man, ready to introduce himself or say a good bye, anything, but he was met with a stare that showed only rage and disgust. "It's fine. 11am tomorrow. Tell her not to worry, I'll fix her up. Nice to see you again, Anthony, was it?" Gerard hurried out in reply. "Uh, yeah, Anthony. Thanks again", Frank said and quickly moved to the table right behind Gerard's.

Frank was trying to figure out why Gerard would have him pretend they don't know each other, but as if the first _introduction_ to Gerard's boyfriend (his boyfriend. Frank didn't know he had a boyfriend, why did Gerard never even mention him?) didn't make it clear enough, the rest of what he heard sure did. The man sat down next to Gerard and immediately began to berate him. "Why are there two forks if you were eating alone?" "I dropped one", Gerard lied quickly, "they brought me a clean one." "And why is your fat ass eating cake in the first place? Was it a lie when you said you wanted to look good for me, that you would work on being less repulsive, or are you just that much of a failure?" "I'm sorry. I was hungry. I'm sorry...I... I won't be that weak again." Gerard said, knowing that apology was nowhere near enough to be forgiven. He knows what's coming.

"Just like you won't see other guys behind my back, and look how that turned out. You are good for nothing. You can even follow simple commands, even a dog can do that, but you've always been a worthless bitch, haven't you?" The man spews. "I wasn't seeing anyone. I would never do that. You know I don't see anyone. You said to stop seeing my friends and I did. I did it because you wanted it. I was just getting coffee, alone. Why are you so mad at me?" Gerard tried, sounding like he would break into tears at any moment. "Nice performance, whore, but you can't think I believed that. I know exactly what you were doing. You are no good at acting just like you are no good at the pathetic art you waste so much time on" The man - the asshole as Frank had deduced - started. "Stop lying to me, bitch, or you will just make it worse for yourself.

 _How is Gerard letting this happen? Why would he let anyone treat him this way? Why would anyone want to treat Gerard this way? He's perfect. He is utterly perfect and no one in this world is worthy of him, least of all the scum he's with right now._ Frank thinks. It is taking everything Frank has not to jump back up and rip that guy's head off, but he promised Gerard. Actually, he hadn't promised him officially, as Gerard didn't even give him time to answer, but it was implied, and he would never want to break a promise to Gerard. So, he clenched his fists and held his breath, hoping to keep his temper in check until the man left or started treating Gerard properly, though Frank could tell he was incapable of the latter.

"I'm not- I- I'm sorry" Gerard said, "I'm not lying, I didn't do anything wrong." He sounded so small and afraid, it broke Frank's heart to hear him sound that way. "Shut up, slut. Did I ask you to speak? There's only one thing that whore mouth of yours is good for, and it's not weak ass apologies." "But I-" Gerard started, before a sharp sound filled Frank's ears, filled the whole diner, really. A smacking sound. It couldn't be. 'There is no way that asshole had the nerve to slap Gerard. Not ever and especially not in public.' Frank hoped to himself. But the little whimper he hear escape Gee's mouth confirmed his fear, and his stomach dropped. He was going to be sick. How could anyone do that to Gerard, to his Gerard?

"I said shut up, whore. You know better than to backtalk me. Since you want to use that mouth so badly, get on your knees and show me you're sorry. Show me that you belong to me." "We're in public," Gerard started "there are kids here, I-" _*Smack*_ Frank heard again, and that was it, no fucking way was this going to continue, promise be damned. He'd lose Gerard as a friend if that's what it took to put a stop to this. He jumped to his feet and almost ran the few steps to get to the man. He grabbed the asshole's shirt with both hands and ripped him forward, pulling him up off the seat. "If you ever lay a hand on Gerard ever again, if you ever speak out of line to him, it will be the last thing you ever do!" Frank practically screamed.

If Frank thought Gerard had looked frightened earlier, it was nothing compared to the look of horror on his face at Frank's threat. Frank didn't understand. _Shouldn't he feel safer?_ Frank thought. Gerard jumped up immediately, "Frankie, no!" He shouted. _"Frankie'_ ". _Shit._ Gerard used his name. In his panic he just blew any chance of saving his story, but he couldn't care about that right now, not when Frank was in danger. Especially not when it was his fault that Frank was in danger. 'I fuck up everything' he thinks 'Frankie is the only good thing I had and I let him down, like always.'

Frank is still pulling the asshole up, but now Gerard is pulling him too, pulling him down, trying to keep him from standing up or going after Frank. "Frankie, please go. Please!" Gerard almost yells, but he doesn't sound angry, he sounds desperate, terrified. Frank wants to be mad. 'Is Gerard really trying to protect that asshole?' he thinks, 'why is he telling me to leave and not him?' "Frankie?" The man questions, seething with rage, "The Frankie you would never shut up about, the one I told you explicitly that you are not allowed to see anymore? You're an even bigger whore than I always thought. You disgust me!" He spat.

The man is standing now, shoving Frank backwards in the process. He has about 13 inches and 40 pounds on Frank. Frank should be worried, but is way too pissed to care about that, and he'd fight at any disadvantage to protect Gerard. That's not what Gerard wants, though. He doesn't want anyone fighting his battles, least of all Frank. He knows Frank is a badass, not weak like him. He knows he can handle himself and even thinks Frank could win this fight if it happened, but the thought of Frank taking even one hit because of him is enough to make his stomach lurch and his eyes well up, and he's shouting again. "Stop! Baby, stop. It's not his fault. I'm the one who disobeyed you. Just leave him alone." Gerard pleads. "Frankie, just go, please. Go home, please. I don't want you involved." Gerard chokes out, frantic.

"Trying to save your little loverboy, huh, slut? Did you really think that would work? I know you're a stupid little bitch, but even you can't be that stupid." The asshole says. "How does it feel knowing that he is going to die today, all because you could keep it in your pants?" He's just about to lunge for Frank when there is a loud crash. It draws the attention of the man and Frank. They see a shattered glass and water everywhere, Gerard had smashed the water cup on the table, but it wasn't just to cause a distraction. Before Gerard's boyfriend could turn his attention back to Frank, Gerard had the biggest shard of glass held against the man's neck. "You are not going to do a damn thing to him. If you even breathe too loudly in Frank's direction, I will not hesitate to sever your carotid and leave you here to bleed out." Gerard's voice was shockingly even and assertive.

Frankie, I've got it, you can go now, he won't touch you." Gerard says. Frank just stares in disbelief, but there is still no way he is leaving Gerard alone in this situation. Even now he can see the discoloration blooming in Gerard's face from the slaps. He hopes the man still tries something, because he wants nothing more than to destroy him for hurting Gerard. He just needs the slightest provocation, now that Gerard has him subdued. He knows Gerard would not want him to throw the first punch.

The piece of trash in question seems to take Gerard's threat far too lightly, though. He laughs. The asshole actually laughs. "You didn't think this through at all, you dumb bitch. You can't keep me here forever, when I get you home you are going to pay severely." -- "Like fuck he is ever going home with you!" Frank interrupts. The man continues, "You want to die instead of him, slut? Is protecting your fuck toy really worth it?" he scoffs. "If that's what it takes, then yes!" Gerard answers, "I would die for Frankie in a heartbeat. And anyway, any life where I am forbidden to see him is not a life worth living. Frankie is right, I am not going home with you. Not today, not ever."

Gerard is starting to worry, though. Of course he is willing to die for Frank, but he doesn't want to die, and he really can't just keep his boyfriend - well ex-boyfriend, now- at glasspoint forever. But before he has too much time to panic about it, he begins to hear the faint sound of sirens. The sound get progressively louder until they are right outside. It can't be. His luck isn't that good. It isn't luck though, which he soon realizes, as the waitress comes forward to meet the officers and directs them right to Frank, Gerard, and his captive. Gerard hears her explaining, "I'm so glad you finally arrived. I called because this man", she gestures, "assaulted this young man, and made death threats to him and his friend."

The officers tell Gerard that it's safe now, that he needs to lower the piece of glass, which he does immediately. The officers detain the man and ask more questions, getting statements from Gerard, Frank, the waitress, and other patrons of the diner who witness the incident. The statement included Gerard taking his sunglasses off to reveal his black eye, and recounting many of the other acts of violence he ex-boyfriend had perpetrated against him. The asshole is arrested for aggravated assault and uttering threats. He is likely to face up to 2 years in prison, but the officers still explain to Gerard how to file for a restraining order. But it's still not himself that he's worried about, it's Frank. He feels so incredibly awful that he put Frank through all this.

Once the officers leave and they are free to go, Gerard doesn't know what to say. He's afraid that Frank will never want to see him again. He tries to apologize, but Frank isn't having any of that. "You did nothing wrong, Gee. Nothing. You are so perfect, and so brave, and I am so proud of you." Frank says. "You're not mad at me?" Gerard asks, like he truly cannot believe Frank isn't angry. To be fair, Gerard had gotten used to anger. "Your life was threatened, you were stuck here for hours watching me cause a scene and giving a police statement. All because I am too weak to stay away from you like I was supposed to. I put you in danger. I was so selfish."

"You're not selfish. I practically begged you to meet me today. I should have known why. I should have known that this was happening to you, instead I was just worried about losing you, about scaring you off. I am the selfish one." Frank said, "How long? How long was he hurting you and I didn't know? I should have known. I should have stopped it. I'm so sorry, Gee!" he rambled. "It's not your fault I'm unlovable, Frankie. You didn't need to know. I was embarrassed. I just wanted you to stay. If you knew, you'd see how awful I really am, and I never wanted you to see that. I don't want you to leave me, to find a better friend, one who isn't fat or stupid or weak." Gerard was practically choking on the words and starting to tear up, again. It made Frank felt sick, again. _He can't really feel those things about himself. He's perfect. How did I never see that he was so broken? Why didn't I tell him every day how perfect he is and how much I love him?_ Frank thought.

Gerard, actually crying now, continued; desperate and whimpering, he pleaded, "Frankie, I'm sorry. I am selfish, and I know you deserve better, but please don't leave me. I need you, I love you, please, Frankie!" He didn't meant to say it. They always told each other that they loved each other, but this was different. Gerard didn't mean for it to slip out, and he was praying that Frank didn't notice, that he thought it was just the friendly way they've always said it. "I love you, too", Frank says back, "I am not going anywhere. I would never." Gerard is relieved, not only that Frank said he wasn't leaving him, but he seems to have let the 'I love you' slide, too. He said it back, after all. Just like always.

But it wasn't just like always. Just after, Frank stopped. He gathered all the courage he could ever possess, and decided there is no way he can allow another day to pass where Gerard ever doubts how much Frank cares for him. He cups Gerard's face in his hands, so gently, but with intent. He stares in his eyes, Gerard's widen in shock, still wet with tears. "I mean it", Frank says, "I love you." Gerard almost chokes. His eyes somehow widen even further, and he shakes his head slightly, as if he doesn't believe it. Frank only keeps going ,"Not just as a person, or as a best friend. I love you so deeply and so passionately that it makes it hard to breathe. I've loved you for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to live in a world where I don't love you. Even in my worst nightmares I can't imagine a worse fate than a world where I'm not loving you."

Gerard is crying again. "I can't believe this is real", Gerard says, "I love you too! I've always loved you, I was so scared you'd hate me if you knew, that it would drive you away", he cries, "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have imagined my life without you, but that's just it, I wouldn't have one. Not at all. I couldn't take living in a world without you, Frankie. I meant that when I said it before. A life without you is one I don't want." Frank is crying now too. He's still cupping Gerard's face, and Gerard is holding Frank's face, now, too. It's like a lifeline and neither can let go.

They are just sobbing and staring at each other, trying to fully grasp that this is real life and they really just confessed their love for each other, sitting on a curb outside a little hole in the wall diner. And it's perfect. Nothing else matters. None of the fear that held them back or the pain that led them here matters anymore. All that matters is that they are together, and that they love each other. That they always have and always will. That they are perfect. Of course they have flaws, everyone does, but their love doesn't see those. There are no longer flaws, not in the eyes of their other half, only complexities. All the skewed lines and uneven brush strokes is what makes them the masterpieces that they are; separately, and especially together.

They both lean in at the same time. The touch of their lips is so gentle. It's all love, and comfort and relief. There is time for lust later, but right now nothing exists but this. The soft caress of tearstained lips on lips, and all the fireworks that would put the 4th of July to shame. It's perfect. When they finally pull apart, Frank stands. He takes Gerard's hands and pulls him to stand up. "Lets go home." he says. "I already am." Gerard says, as he leans in for another kiss. And he was. They were. The only home they ever needed, each other.


	2. Can't Find My Way Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the prequal to [My Way Home is Through You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26592439/chapters/64835389). (But it is meant to be read 2nd) It mostly follows Gerard's state of mind and his night/morning leading up to the diner meetup, though Frank still appears. Frerard story. Mutual pining. 
> 
> *Being a prequal, this is mostly angst*

'Fuck! Not again. Why does he have to make this so hard?' Gerard thinks, as he watches his phone silently display his incoming call. _Frank. Again._ It's not that Gerard doesn't want to talk to him. Of course he does. If he had it his way, that's the only thing he'd ever have to do. But it was already getting impossible to keep hiding his more-than-friendlyfeelings, and that was before he had so many other things to hide. He's not just hiding from himself anymore, or from Frank, but now he has to hide from _him_. 

And the stakes are even higher now. In Gerard's eyes, the thought of losing Frank's friendship has always been a life or death situation. If Gerard let his stupid crush get in the way of that, he thinks he would die. But Frank catching sight of his oh-so-obvious heart-eyes would not actually end his life. Answering this call very well could, if _he_ overhears. Still, this is the 3rd time Frank has tried to call him today. And the last voicemail Frank left asked if Gerard is mad at him. He sounded so deflated; Gerard feels awful.  
  
He is always letting people down. If it's not Frank, it's his family, who try to be accepting but would much prefer a lawyer or businessman as a son over a struggling artist, making ends meat as a hair dresser, even if they would never say that. If it's neither of those, it's his other friends, who he has also been ignoring. Still, there is one person he disappoints above all: his boyfriend. And he tries so hard. He tries to say the right things and always look his best, to cater to _his_ every whim, but it's just never enough. Gerard is never enough.   
  
But now he is not accidentally wearing the wrong color shirt or dripping water by the sink, he is explicitly defying his boyfriend's order. It was made very clear, _painfully_ clear, that Gerard was not to see or speak to Frank anymore. Gerard was crushed, naturally. He didn't understand why. Yes he has a stupid crush, which he was never dumb enough to tell his boyfriend, or anybody, about, but Frank was still his best friend and he would never see Gerard in that way. His boyfriend had nothing to worry about. No one would ever 'steal Gerard away' because no one else wanted him. Especially not Frank.  
  
So he tried to stay away. He tried to follow orders and be good. He figured it was best for everyone. It would keep Gerard safe and his boyfriend happy (or at least not as mad) and Frank would be free of the dead weight that came from a friendship with Gerard. He deserved so much better, anyway. He deserved a friend that was as smart and funny and creative and passionate and confident and gorgeous as Frank is. He deserved a friend that didn't want more. One that didn't, greedily, long for more than just friendship. One that didn't daydream of white picket fences and lazy cuddles on the couch in the late afternoon, while they neglect all their obligations, because the only thing that matters is spending time together... Clearly the 'just forget about him' thing that Gerard was trying to do was a spectacular failure. Just like Gerard.

While Gerard's mind was trying to play out all the countless ways that this could be a disaster, he still couldn't resist the urge to answer Frank's call. He is so weak. After making sure the coast was clear ( _he_ is passed out drunk, and this time, Gerard is thankful), and rushing into the bathroom as quickly as he could, he swiped "accept". His chest felt like a 50 pound weight had been dropped on him from 30 stories up. Whether it was from his crippling fear of being caught or his all-consuming love for Frank, he wasn't sure. "Gee?" Frank said on the other end of the line, voice sounding tentative but slightly relieved. "Gee, baby, is everything okay? Are you mad at me?" _Baby_. No matter how many times he has heard Frank call him that, or one of several other pet names they use for each other, it never fails to make his breath hitch and his heart jump.   
  
"Frankie, of course I'm not mad at you. Why would you think that?" Gerard answers, as quietly as he can without making it obvious to Frank that he is hiding the call from someone. It would only make him ask questions. Questions that Gerard is not ready to answer. That he doesn't even know how to answer, like "Why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend?" and "Why are you not allowed to talk to me anymore?" Even if he explained how he had a boyfriend and why that boyfriend felt insecure about Frank, he'd then have to answer the question he knew Frank would ask next "Why are you letting him control you?" He certainly couldn't answer that one, because he didn't even know himself. But Frank didn't notice his whisper soft tone, or at least didn't let on that he had. Gerard was safe to wrestle with his self-worth and co-dependency another time.  
  
"I don't know, Gee, it just seems like I am bothering you every time I call or ask to hang out. We used to be inseparable. Did I do something to upset you, or do you just have better things to do now?" Frank asked. That stung. A lot. What could possibly be better to Gerard than spending time with Frank? He felt like a failure. Again. Of course he was letting Frank down, what else is new. "I'm sorry, Frankie. Of course I'm not mad. I haven't been feeling the best, lately. You know how I can get. I didn't want to drag you into my spiral too." Gerard said. Frank was hurt by that. As if Frank wouldn't WANT to be "dragged down" with Gerard. It's all he wants. To be with Gerard, wherever his is, be it physically or emotionally, but preferably both. He can't tell Gerard that. Not all of that. They are friends. Best friends, but nothing more. He repeats that like a prayer in his head, so he doesn't do something stupid and confess his feelings for Gerard right then.   
  
But he can't ignore that statement completely and have Gerard thinking that he's a burden. "You know I wouldn't mind." Frank says, "I love hanging with you, sweetheart. And if you're feeling down, I help lift you up. That's how it's always been." Gerard's heart sinks. And then it propels into outer space. He is so conflicted. It is how it's always been, and it's all he's ever wanted, but he feels so selfish for always taking so much from Frank. Frank is always giving to him, and he gets nothing but dead weight in return, in Gerard's mind, at least. Frank would have many loud and R-rated disagreements on that. In Frank's mind, the earth doesn't revolve around the sun, that overhyped bastard, it revolves around Gerard, who shines twice as bright.   
  
"I know you do, Frankie. You are always there for me. Too much so. That's why I was feeling bad. I felt like I was being unfair to you. But I'm sorry if I hurt you, darling. I always love spending time with you. I never thought there'd even be a question about that." Gerard says. And he means it, of course he does. But he realized Frank's doubt comes from the distance Gerard put between them. The distance he let be put between them. He wants to just take it all back, to go to Frank's house right now, to open the door without knocking, like he always did, to just run to Frank and never come back. But this is real life. It's not that easy. What he wants doesn't matter. Not anymore. Not when he's in chains. He wants to feel self-pity, but he can't, not when he built these shackles himself.   
  
Why did he do this to himself? Why was it easier to give his heart to a man that would see it destroyed than to give it to Frank for real? Even though Frank could never love him back, would that rejection really be as painful as _this_? Or is this that what he wanted? Does he like being hurt? Is this his way to punish himself for his failures? Is feeling pain better than feeling empty? Or maybe he was just so desperate ignore his feelings for Frank that he needed a distraction. Or was it that he knows this is the best he can do; that any affection, even when it's stained with malice, is better than be being alone. Or maybe Gerard is as stupid as _he_ always tells him he is. Would someone intelligent put themselves though this? Would they keep choosing this life every day when they wake up? Maybe he shouldn't wake up anymore. Would that make things better? Even death must be better than this, right? But what about Frank?  
  
Frank. Who is still on the phone, while Gerard has an existential crisis in his own mind in the split second it takes before Frank speaks again. "How could it be too much? You're my best friend and I fucking love you, man. It's not a chore, it's my life. Hanging out with you. It's kinda been my life for the past 17 years. I hadn't seen any signs of that ever changing. But if you really don't want to hang out, I don't want to guilt you into it." Frank said. "It's not guilt, Frankie. Of course I want to hang out with you, honey. Always. I'm sorry. I was being an idiot. Not that it's EVER happened before, but there's a first time for everything, right, Frankie?" Gerard joked, hoping to play off how emotional he was getting and how nervous he is. How will he be able to start seeing Frank again without being caught? He didn't have long to think about that, though. "Good. So do you want to meet up coffee tomorrow? At our place? You're off work, right? I was thinking around 9am." Frank asks.   
  
Fuck. Of course he wants to go. That's been fully established by this point. But how will he be able to go. Gerard is off work, tomorrow, though, and his boyfriend has plans to go out with friends. Hunting (because of course he likes to kill things). That means they should get an early start. Gerard should be able to meet Frank after he leaves and be back long before he returns. He should be safe. He probably has less chance of being caught for that than he has of being caught if he stays on this call too long. "Of course, baby. 9am at our diner. I would love to." He agrees. "But I have to go, mom is calling in. Sweet dreams, Frankie. See you tomorrow." "Sweet dreams, Gee. I love you." Frank says. Gerard knows it's not meant the way he wants it to be, but just hearing Frank say that to him makes him melt every time. And he thinks it would be worth any punishment just to hear it again.   
  
So he's going. After a forbidden phone call, he will have a forbidden breakfast with Frank. It could be a mistake, but he doesn't care. His whole life is a mistake at this point. The only thing about Gerard that's not a mistake is Frank. Having Frank in his life is all that matters, he decided. So he clings to that and pretends, for a moment, that it's enough to save him. If only it could be that easy.   
  
Gerard can't sleep. His mind is racing in all the worst ways. It won't let him rest, even for a moment. And he is just so tired, in every sense of the word. His boyfriend is still passed out. He wasn't caught. He deleted the call log and everything. He is safe. Why doesn't he _feel_ safe? He be able to sleep without being on high alert. He should be wrapped in the comfort of a peaceful dream by now. One where he is free, lying on a sandy beach, letting the icy blue water rush on and off of his toes with each rise and fall of the tide. And Frank would be there, too, of course. It is his dreams after all. Any place without Frank could only be a nightmare. And Gerard would know, these few months of distance have been hell for him, and not just because of the devil he lives with.   
  
After a long night of not sleeping, Gerard gets up. He still hasn't been caught for the phone call, which was an irrational fear at this point, since there was no evidence to give him away. But he still had the diner meeting to worry about. That should not have been a big deal either. Yes, disobeying was a big risk, but his boyfriend should never find out. All he has to do is stay calm and not fuck up. Apparently that was too much to expect from himself. Fucking up is what he does. That's how Gerard sees it, at least. It's really hard not to think that when it's all that you hear, day in and day out. Grass is green. The sky is blue. Gerard is a fuck up. Those are all just facts now. 

Gerard gets up and starts his day, careful not to wake his boyfriend. Not because he is sneaking around this time, but because waking _him_ up is at least a level two offense. Gerard does not want another one of those. Besides, if breakfast is not on the table by the time _he_ wakes up, on his own, there will be more than enough hell to pay already. Gerard rushes into the kitchen. He takes note of all the foods they have available and tries to decide what would make his boyfriend the most satisfied. He decides to bake muffins, chocolate chip (his boyfriend's favorite) and banana nut, because they are healthy, at least as far as muffins go. And he cuts up a platter of fresh fruit, and makes the coffee.   
  
He gets the muffins all baked with as little noise and mess as possible, and hurries to get the kitchen back in pristine order. He then rushes to change his clothes, he certainly can't be in sloppy cooking clothes when _he_ wakes up. He has to make an effort. He has to look good. As good as he can with his failed genetics. Once he is dressed, everything is done, Gerard thinks. There is nothing to do now except wait for his boyfriend to wake up. He really wants a cup of coffee, but he knows not to start before his boyfriend is served, so he waits. His anxiety is actually starting to subside a bit. He thinks that he's done well, that his boyfriend will be pleased with him. It doesn't take long for that feeling to change.   
  
_He_ wakes up. _He_ 's hung over, but that's almost every day. _He_ 's grumpy, but that's daily, too. _He_ stumbles in, wearing only his boxers, breath still sour from the booze and morning breath. He doesn't waste his energy to tell Gerard good morning. Instead he says, "Why is my breakfast not in front of me yet?" The fact that it's been literal seconds and Gerard cannot move that fast is irrelevant to him. "I'm sorry, baby," Gerard scrambles. "It's all ready. Your muffin is here, on your plate, I just wasn't sure which fruits you would want or if you would want a Banana Nut muffin too." Gerard squeaks out, the pit in his stomach growing by the second. Impeding doom an all too familiar feeling by now, Gerard can sense it immediately. This isn't good.   
  
"Fucking muffins and fruit? That's it? What kind of useless bitch are you? You call that a breakfast? That is not a meal, that is just the standard. You should always have muffins prepared, but I still expect a real meal. Bacon, sausage, eggs, pancakes, hash browns...You are missing like 6 fucking courses!" He stands, he's walking toward Gerard now, full of rage and only building, "I don't know what kind of pansy ass you take me for, or what kind of men you are used to 'entertaining', but I am a real man and I expect, I DEMAND to be treated as such! And this" he gestures to the counter, full of muffins and fruits, "is a fucking disgrace. You are a disgrace!!" he screams. Gerard is shrinking. He really thought he had done good. Of course not. Even when he really tries, he's never enough.   
  
"I'm sorry, baby. We don't have bacon, or sausage. I didn't know, when you sent me to the store you never said, you only gave me enough for what you told me. I--I" "Excuses, excuses, you worthless bitch. You should have known. You should have figured it out. Why do I have to tell you everything for you to know how to treat me? And why do I have to give you the money?" _He_ taunted. Gerard wants to argue. He wants to say 'Because it's my money too. Because all my money is in your account, but that doesn't make it only yours. I can't spend it on groceries unless you give it to me first', but he knows that would only make things worse for him. Never. Talk. Back. He learned that quickly. It doesn't matter though. He's still in trouble now.  
  
"Answer me, bitch!" his boyfriend screams. "You don't. I'm sorry. I'll do better next time. I swear! I'm sorry!" is all Gerard can think to say. He hopes that won't make it worse, but he can't think of anything else that wouldn't sound like an argument. "Next time doesn't fucking help right now, does it, dumbass? I still don't have a proper breakfast. Even looking at this shit is pissing me off more" he says, as he lifts a tray of muffins and hurls it a Gerard. It hits him, but only in the chest, thankfully, metal pan bouncing off his sternum. As least the mark will be easy to hide. He doesn't stay so 'lucky' for long, though. His boyfriend picks up the other pan of muffins to repeat the action. This time he doesn't just throw it, he swings it, keeping one end in his hand as he sends the other into Gerard's face. That mark will not be so easy to hide. _Fuck_.   
  
That should have been enough, you would think. An improper breakfast punished with two shots from metal baking pans. Seems sufficient. His boyfriend didn't think so, however. So he grabbed Gerard by the hair and shoved his head down to the counter, smashing his face in the fruit tray. "If it's such a great breakfast, you eat it, bitch." he yells as he smears Gerard's head around in a pile of mangled fruit. It's burning his eyes, especially the one he can feel swelling up and popping a deep purple hue. "Why aren't you eating it, bitch? Not good enough for you either? And you dared serve it to me? To ME! Your fat ass can't stay away from food long enough to drop one roll from that disgusting body of yours, and even you won't eat this. Don't EVER disrespect me with some shit like this again! I won't be so forgiving next time." the vile man snarled out, the threat very evident in his voice.   
  
"Now clean this mess up, bitch, and I mean now! It better be spotless by the time I get back." Gerard wants to ask where he's going, wants to make sure he will still be gone all day with his friends, but he doesn't dare question his boyfriend right now. So he just nods and gets to work, picking up the fallen muffins, ignoring the burning in his eyes, from the sour fruit and salty tears. Gerard cleans the whole mess, not stopping long enough to even rinse out his eyes. Not even when his boyfriend left to shower and get dressed, not even when he hears _him_ leave the house. He can't risk stopping until it's done.   
  
When it is finally done, Gerard takes a moment to wash out his eyes, and evaluate the bruise he earned in this morning's battle. It's big. _Fuck_. It's going to take a lot of makeup, and a lot of time, to hide that. Time he doesn't have. FUCK. He has no time. He has to meet Frank, in 5 minutes. It's a 10 minute drive to the diner and he's covered in fruit and muffins and cleaning products. He tries to wipe the dried fruit from his hair with a wet rag with one hand as he tries to undo his pants and climb out of them with the other. He fails. Like he does at breakfast and friendships and everything else.   
  
He throws on his biggest, darkest, pair of sunglasses, in an attempt to hide his black eye, and rushes out the door. He speeds all the way to the diner, knowing he'll still be late, so he can just further disappoint the only person who's never let him down. He is a failure. He's thanking God, who is stopped believe in some time ago, that he's only letting Frank down as a friend. If he let Frank down the way he lets his boyfriend down, he wouldn't be able to live with himself. A feat that was getting harder by the day as it was.   
  
He runs in the door, almost tripping in his haste, lungs seizing, chest caving, the pan damage not doing him any favors. His heart pounding, not that it will slow down at any point while he is in Frank's presence. He poured out his sincerest apology with his (hopefully) most convincing excuse, and just hoped that Frank wouldn't hate him for this. For being a disappointment as usual. For carrying more than his share in their relationship, while Gerard just piles more on him. While he gives him more pain, more disappointment, more tension, and unfair expectations. Gerard would give him something else. He wants to. Has always wanted to. To give Frank his heart. But that is just dead weight now. And Frank deserves better. He always has.  
  
But he forgets all that for a second, when Frank looks up at him, eyes bright as ever and smile that would put every star in the sky to shame. When he looks at Gerard like all he wants is to just be here with him, in this crappy (but wonderful) diner. And that is all he wants. It's all Frank has wanted for years. He thinks Gerard knows. He's scared Gerard knows, because he's taken so much from Gerard already. He's taken all of Gerard's time and attention and passion and kindness, his creativity and his patience. Gerard has given Frank so much; so much happiness and (platonic) love. How can Frank ask for even more than that? He feels selfish. But he forgets all that for a moment, when Gerard looks down at him, with his soulful honey green eyes (that Frank knows by heart, sunglass be damned), and smiles at him like there's nowhere he'd rather be than this crappy (but wonderful) diner, with Frank. And there isn't. This is exactly where Gerard wants to be. Forever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gerard's BF is not named purposely. It was meant to indicate that he doesn't deserve a name, to show that Gerard would never "disrespect" him by calling him his actual name, and to make his presence more ominous. If people find that confusing, though I could add a name. 
> 
> Again, I am extremely new to writing fanfiction, and I appreciate critique, but I hope you will forgive my lack of experience.

**Author's Note:**

> ***Notes***  
> This is my first ever fanfic. I apologize for the inexperience.  
> I hope that maybe someone still enjoys this. I plan to write a prequal that details more of Gerard's frame of mind and his morning before arriving to the diner.


End file.
